Sometimes you can't "fake it 'til you make it," as Earl Nightingale, father of the motivational recording industry said umpteen years ago. Sometimes you try, and you just can't.Sometimes (well, for me, most of the time), you just have to live through it before you can learn from it. It's simple. And sometimes faking it can help you live through it, but it's only when you stop pretending that you finally learn from it. Dang, I'm sure someone's already said this (and I'm just repeating it), but if it isn't, I'm totally claiming it. I should get it copyrighted (okay, okay, it's not that great....)
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but it's kinda nice to watch TV again and follow something with a modicum of regularity (I don't even watch "Sex and the City" reruns that much anymore...gasp!). The second season of "Big Love" is really great. I'm somewhat hooked. And it's nice to be hooked to something when I feel so detached ... as if I have created a life for myself that has become almost tyrannical. But that's all in my head.
Because I can have whatever life I choose. I have the one I chose. And it's not so bad. I am more fortunate than I even give myself credit for. But those close to me know that. They see it. If only I could see what they see sometimes.
It could be worse. But man, it could be so much better. I do know that. I'm tired of being Miss Independent all the time. I've done it so long it is truly second nature. And I just have to let go of some stuff -- physically (weight), spiritually (guilt & shame), materially (de-clutter/purge/give more), and professionally (knowing when it's time to go, perhaps?).
I can sometimes visualize what that would look like. But most times I can't. Or I distract myself. Maybe I should visualize more, like (oh, I swear this wasn't planned) "The Secret" that's so popular now and is totally just a modern spin on "The Strangest Secret."
I'm feeling smart right now. :-)
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